Issue #64: I Found an Old Letter to a Friend
A blast from the past and a little look to the future
I just found a letter I wrote myself 10 years ago, and I’m so glad I happened to stumble upon it. It’s not like I put it in a sealed time capsule or anything, but I left it on the internet for all to see.
So let me give you a little backstory: I started a blog in 2008 because it sounded fun. In 2013, it became my little lifeline to other people when we moved to the East Coast and had no community. Fast forward to today, I’m finally shutting down my OG domain and archiving old posts and photos.
Honestly, most of the stuff I wrote back then was kind of garbage, but some funny stories and memories I had forgotten have made this process worthwhile. Like this letter.
When I think back 10 years, I realize how much my outlook on life has changed. Mostly for the better - I'm drinking less, not sneaking cigarettes at random moments, and eating vegetables. Sure, I have more anxiety and have felt some intense grief, and doomscrolling is a verb I use often now, but overall, things have been good.
My mind starts wandering when I think about where I might be 10 years in the future. On the news this morning, they reminded me that it’s been five years since the pandemic started. For some reason, it blew my mind that I was 34 years old when that happened. So much has happened since then.
Seeing words I wrote myself 10 years ago had a strange and lovely impact on me, so I’m going to do this more often to the past and future me (although probably in my journal and not on the internet.) I’m sharing the original letter and then my response, so please indulge me.
Dear 39 year old Steph (who is probably shaking her head because it's weird to read a letter from yourself)
I hope you have found a potion that keeps dogs alive for 60 years.
You should currently be completing your absolutely epic 40 before 40 list. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll start writing it next May.
I hope that you have traveled to many new countries. I hope you've written about your adventures because they were worthy of sharing and the people you've met deserve to have their stories shared. Plus, I bet you need somewhere to put all the pictures you've taken of inappropriate road signs and well-staged breakfast tables. Your husband is the best sidekick, so make sure to never forget that.
I hope you still listen to decent music and wear solid colors.
You better not be out of shape. I know getting older is hard on the metabolism, but maybe you hike mountains now instead of just dreaming about it. Maybe you've learned how to stand on a paddle board and gracefully paddle instead of the wobble & fall routine. I also hope you've learned to cook more than vegetarian slow-cooker chili and mac and cheese.
I don't know if you'll have children and I hope you're still OK with that. Your nieces & nephew will still think you are the coolest, so don't mess that up.
I hope you are really good at a few things and making money for at least one of them. I hope you own a tiny house somewhere awesome. I hope you have a better morning routine than shower, coffee, and brush hair if we are feeling fancy.
I'm also keeping my fingers crossed that the world is still intact, that there are still forests to enjoy and clean air to breathe - if you can do anything to help with that - please do.
Last, but not least, I hope you at least own an iPhone in the double digits.
Sincerely,
the 29-year-old you
Dear 29-year-old me,
I have great news. You didn’t need a 40-before-40 list because life got more interesting than you could have predicted.
You successfully navigated apartment hunting in New York City in 100-degree heat and found the perfect Brooklyn apartment. You gave up that perfect apartment to move back to Minnesota for work. Since then, you’ve lived out of a backpack for a year, had a yearlong stint in San Diego, and found a home in the Pacific Northwest, which was never even on the list ten years ago.
That potion for dogs was unrealistic and those incredible little creatures passed away within eight months of each other and the pain was intense. But you’ve rescued another pup and don’t take a single day with him for granted.
New countries? You’ve visited 29, and all of them were with your still-wonderful sidekick husband. It’s surprising still to think about getting rid of everything and traveling for a year, and the timing was fortunate since a worldwide pandemic hit the following year. That might sound weird to your 2015 mind, but some of those scary movies do come true.
Solid colors still make up most of our wardrobe, but I bought a pair of zebra print pants that will hopefully see the light of day soon.
Exercise is hard, but it’s become a good part of the routine. It’s helpful to live in a walkable neighborhood with a dog. With time, you’ve learned that stretching and strength are wildly important. I don’t know why you included a paddleboard, but you’ve got a kayak instead, and it gets used often. Plus, you do hike in the mountains, so that dream came true. Cooking is enjoyable now, and you even bake sometimes.
It’s funny to read your note about children. I wish you would’ve written more about how things felt then when it was so raw, but it’s easy to look back now and give you grace and love. Making family decisions is so complex, and people have so many opinions. You get through that, but it takes time to feel comfortable.
There are two new nephews added to the bunch, plus some of the coolest kids on the planet that belong to your best friends. There’s no shortage of kids’ drawings on the fridge.
Your morning routine is still shower, coffee, and brush teeth/hair. But you also take a vitamin D supplement and moisturize first thing. The hair is still a problem, and it seems we’ve just given up.
You don’t own a tiny house, but you do watch the shows still whenever they are on, so the dream isn’t dead.
The world is, in fact, burning, but it’s still intact. I’d rather not fill you in on the specifics because you might feel less hopeful, but know I haven’t given up. I call/email my government reps weekly, read, share resources, donate, and stay engaged. Just know that when you’re laughing with your neighbors while watching the first Republican primary debate in the summer of 2015, you’re getting a little preview of the current situation.
You should know that you will become braver and more resilient in the next ten years than you imagine. Some really bad stuff happens, but you continue to build a support system around you that works. It’s pretty incredible what you get to see around the world and the amazing people that you get to spend time with. You think you know so much right now, but at least you have remained open to learning more.
And finally, you have the most current version of the iPhone for the first time ever, and it’s a 16. Congrats girl.
Sincerely,
Your 39-year-old self
P.S. You commented about pictures of breakfast tables, and when I searched in my photos app, I found all these gems. So I guess that’s a thing we’ve always loved.
Addressing Your Younger Self
Right after I found that original letter, this poem was circulating on Instagram, and people were doing their own versions. That helps make my point that this activity can be incredibly therapeutic. Acknowledge how you’ve grown and give yourself some credit.
A decade is a long time, and as I approach a milestone birthday, it has me thinking a lot about time and how it’s spent.
We just returned from a week in Whistler. I had a moment as I watched the party happening at 7 PM with neon snow suits, costumes, and sunburns. I stopped and took in the joy happening in front of me. I was happily going back to my hotel after a day on the slopes, an afternoon Aperol Spritz, and a big fancy dinner that was not cheap but so worth it. My plan for the evening was a good stretch, a glass of wine by the fire, and crawling into our comfortable bed before 10 PM. But, I still knew all the songs the DJ was playing and knew just when the fog machine would hit, but I also knew I’d be happier in my bathrobe with a book.
It perfectly summed up my feelings about entering a new decade. Getting older is fascinating but a little clunky. So many things that used to frustrate me are starting to make sense, but I still have the energy to battle the things that I’m opposed to. I’m learning to lean on others and be more honest about the ugly stuff. I’m cheering on those younger than me and those older than me. There are still so many things to celebrate.
I’ve got a few months left in my thirties, and I’m working on a soft transition into my forties. Maybe I’ll even have a fog machine at my birthday party.
Cheers!
Steph
Steph, this was such a pleasure to read. Inspiring, raw, and oh so relatable. Can't wait for the next newsletter.