Issue #17: There's a Bouncy Ball in My Head
A glimpse into the thoughts from my morning walk.
Writing always helps me process the things knocking around in my head. It gives me a place to release my thoughts and then organize and reorganize them until they make more sense. And then, sometimes, I free them out into the world in hopes that someone else might gain something (even if it’s just some insight into my brain). Usually, I write and then return to it later and edit and rewrite.
Not today. I’m just going to dump.
On my morning walk today, I found myself paying closer attention to the thoughts coming in and out of focus. Call it a walking meditation, maybe. What I found fascinating is just how wildly different each individual thought was. My brain can move from grief to laughter to random pop culture musings without delay.
I’m having a range of thoughts that could only be described as manic while still maintaining all the necessary actions required for survival—cleaning, hygiene, food, fresh air, work, etc. Being a human is wild.
Thoughts From My Walk
I didn’t check the news first thing when I woke up. For the first time since 2020, I’m terrified of what I might read. Will my Jewish friends feel safe today in the US? How many more innocent people will lose their lives today? Is this going to become World War III? Will I accidentally click on a photo that will live in my nightmares? Is everyone else talking about this nonstop?
A text comes in from my husband. My sister-in-law was interviewed on the radio this morning after being nominated by one of her students. She’s the teacher of the week in the Twin Cities. Such a well-deserved shout-out for her. She teaches history, dresses up in decade-specific outfits, and collects toys, newspapers, and other artifacts so her students can see these things firsthand. I wonder how many students will remember her forever. I make a mental list of my favorite teachers of all time - Ms. Watson, Mr. Powers, Mrs. Ryan, Mrs. Bloomer, Mrs. Ashcraft, and Mr. Ford.
I think of my nieces and wonder if they are going to see the Taylor Swift Eras Tour movie this weekend. Yes, I checked the “spoilers” to see what acoustic songs she put in the movie… not my favorites, but I’m still excited to see them when we can screen the movie at home on my couch.
Did I share the Beyonce and Taylor picture to my group text with my girlfriends from home? They’ve probably seen it already. I’m always looking for an excuse to touch base, though. Add it to the to-do list.
I laugh out loud thinking about the poop joke I put on the letter board at home for my nephew’s visit last weekend. Justin told me that I’d forget to take it down, and we would have poop on the wall for months, I make a mental note to fix it later today. (I’ll probably forget.)
A garbage can is blocking the sidewalk. I check the numbers on the side because someone stole our empty garbage can a few nights ago.
Back to thinking about my nephews again. Next time they come, we should definitely go to Olympic National Park. They would love a ride on the ferry.
Are the trees in my yard the only ones that have lost leaves? Did I kill my tree? Maybe it’s from the drought this year, but wouldn’t all the trees be in the same boat? I’ll try to remember to call my dad to ask.
I see a yard sign for one of the District 6 City Council candidates and feel a little overwhelmed that I haven’t decided who I’m voting for yet. I met both of them and haven’t taken the time to weigh the pros and cons of each choice. I get mad at how many people choose not to participate in the local elections.
Deep sigh. Pause for a minute to appreciate the colorful clouds.
How many library books do I have at home that are overdue? Am I the only person who puts way more books on hold than I can actually ever read in the allotted time? I nod to myself and smile about how much I love books.
My mind wanders to a friend, knowing that his birthday is coming up and it’s the first without him on the planet. I want to celebrate his life, but just thinking about it hits me with a wave of sadness. I think of all our friends and wonder if anyone else is feeling incredibly sad about this milestone of sorts.
What if I never hear another new story about him? That’s the thing about losing people. There are no new memories. No new pictures. I hate that our friendship was only a few short years. For a minute, I’m incredibly jealous of those who have a bigger stockpile. A good reminder to take more photos of the tiny little things and write down the silly memories.
My knee hurts. Do I need new shoes?
I wonder what the Powerball winner is going to do with his money.
Speaking of money, I start to think about assignments due this week and how I can get ahead before we take a few days off next week. I want to pitch to new clients before the end of the year and need to check my list of pitch ideas. I love freelancing 80% of the time, and I need to get myself out of the slump I’ve been in.
What paperwork do I need to bring our dog to Canada with us next weekend? I should probably figure that out.
I smell a bakery. It reminds me that I need to figure out what I need to bake my own sourdough bread. I laugh a little, realizing that everyone was talking about their sourdough starters throughout the pandemic, and I’m just now wanting to jump on board.
Kids bike past me with backpacks on. My mind is back to Israel and the children killed less than a week ago. I should probably get home and check the news. It might not all be bad, but it probably is.
So, those were the things I remember bouncing through my brain today.
When I got home, I had a good shower cry while listening to my grief playlist and then added a few more books to my library list (it’s a sickness, what can I say.) The news was terrifying, as I predicted. I shared a public congrats to my sister-in-law on Instagram. And then I went to the coffee shop to write this.
I wish I had some huge revelation about how to process all that’s going on, but the truth is, I’m just grateful that I’m in a place where I feel safe walking through my neighborhood in the morning. My nieces and nephews are in a spot to laugh at poop jokes and maybe see Taylor Swift’s movie this weekend. So, I’ll send money to a few organizations today and check in on my friends. I won’t take any of it for granted.
I’ll get back to some of the drafts I’ve saved here next week, but thanks for reading the random things that my bouncy ball hit on this AM.
Wishing you all safety, peace, and love.
Steph
P.S. Make sure you’re registered to vote. And spread some kindness, the world could use it.